Compassionate Communication

Anger Management Class Has ended

Fri, 13 Jan 2012 14:52:00 -0500

After a year this 16 week class finally came to an end.

NVC contributes considerrable tools for learning empathy and getting one’s needs met.

I highly recommend this book for anyone in an at risk environment. Including recovery, new marriage, child welfare, counseling etc.

In following up with several of the participants, they maintain that class afforded them significant and lasting life skills.

This biggest lesson from the material for me, (next to exercising NVC techniques), was learning not to respond to people with lecturing, story telling, or sympathy. All which masquerade as empathy, but actually block or eclipse the feelings being expressed. But truly hearing people out, reflecting back, and offering empathy.

The key to this however, is to not lose your own needs and feelings, in the process. (Watch the video)

In Review

Wed, 13 Apr 2011 13:31:00 -0400

Our tuesdaynight men’s class is coming up on the last two chapters having completed 9, 10, and 11 over the last few weeks.

There has been much discussion about the way Mr.Rosenberg gives examples and uses NVC. The examples often seem a little vague, and sometimes leave more questions than answers. We have attributed this to writing style, while I like to think it is purposeful mischievousness to leave us hanging. Some seem to focus on these minor issues as they have a hard to processing information that is so contrary to their learned behaviors.

One of our members shared lastnight that he observed himself initially responding to his child in a punitive manor after finding out some disappointing news about the child’s scholastic performance, but by was able to self monitor, and respond in a supportive and empathetic manor. He felt empowered by this and directly attributed the classwork to this great success.

Seeking Freedom from Co-Dependency?

Tue, 24 Aug 2010 17:32:00 -0400

Co-dependency is a dysfunctional coping skill for adults to get their needs met. Many anger problems are the result of a lack of self assertion. I have found the following to be life changing.

Relational “Bill Of Rights” or “Declaration of Interdependence”

I have the right to:
• Feel respected as a person.
• To be appreciated and not taken for granted.
• Effective communication with others.
• To have my privacy respected and to have boundaries.
• To not be one upped or one downed.
• Feel good about myself and my relationships.
• To expect trust validation and support from those who are my friends.
• To grow within and outside of relationships.
• To my own separate opinions, thoughts, feelings, and choices.
• To choose to stay or leave any relationship.
If these concepts are part of your core constitution, manipulators cannot use FOG (Fear, Obligation, or Guilt) to get their needs met with you. Niether will you use FOG on other’s as you will do to them as you wish them to do to you.
I also like the ideas expressed in the following behaviors that I think result from a healthy sense of relational rights.

The Ten Habits of Emotionally Intelligent People

1. Label their feelings, rather than labeling people or situations.
2. Distinguish between thoughts and feelings.
3. Take responsibility for their feelings.
4. Use their feelings to help them make decisions. (gasp!)
5. Show respect for other people’s feelings.
6. Feel energized, not angry.
7. Validate other people’s feelings.
8. Practice getting a positive value from their negative emotions.
9. Don’t advise, command, control, criticize, judge or lecture to others.
10. Avoid people who invalidate them, or don’t respect their feelings.

While this is elementary to some, those of us who were damaged or neglected as children often missed these lessons or have yet to learn them.
(These are kluged together from several books one of which I found particularly helpful is the classic “Breaking Free Of The Co Dependency Trap” By Barry & Janae Weinhold. The notion that you can be healed, restored, and recovered from co-dependant behaviors is a message often missed in recovery publications.)

How To recognize You Have an Anger Problem

Tue, 24 Aug 2010 17:05:00 -0400

How To recognize You Have an Anger Problem:

Road Rage: Yelling, swerving, using a vehicle as a weapon
Bullying: Treating other people like they are worthlessThrowing/
Breaking things: Taking out your frustration (or revenge?) on yours or other people’s property
Sarcasm and Teasing: Showing people (in a humorous way?) how stupid or ridiculous you think they are
Pouting: Feeling sorry for yourself, not cooperating just to get your way, creating guilt tripsSlamming doors/ Stomping feet
Criticizing others: To hell with being politically correct, power tripSaying, “You’re right” but not meaning it: Seething, gets you out of a situation you are uncomfortable with/shuts them up fast
Condescension: You feel superior to everyone else and tell them about it in a nasty or sarcastic way
Interrupting: Your opinion counts the most; a form of bullying
Lying: Sneaky revenge, making up/spreading rumors, making promises you never intend to keep
Emotional abuse: Continually putting the same person down/ controlling/ threatening them repeatedly
Domestic abuse: Continual physical and/or mental cruelty toward those you live with
Yelling: Creating fear and/or submission through threatening volume
Body tension: Squeezing fists, clenching jaws, flexing muscles, turning red, stress
Withholding affection: You’ll show them who’s in control, lack of forgiveness, revengeStarting arguments/fights just “for fun”: Getting a “high” or a “rush” at the expense of others
Moral superiority: Believing you “have a right” to be outraged and are justified in your destructive actions
Showing off: Being the “tough guy” to impress others
Grumpiness/moodiness: No awareness or concern about how you are coming across to others
Plotting revenge: Planning elaborate schemes to get back at your enemiesNo forgiveness or forgetting: Hanging onto the hurts of the past
Masochism/Sadism: Addiction to hurting others and/or being hurt
Martyrdom: Enjoying making others feel guilty by playing the victim, way to get attention/sympathy
Low self-esteem: Hate yourself because you are stupid, worthless, ugly, lazy… a doormat
Stubbornness: Refusing to acknowledge being wrong or let others have their way
Glaring: You can’t hide your disdain for others, keeps people at a distance
Swearing/name-calling: Signal that the gloves have come off
Threatening others with harm: Physical, mental, financial, property, loss of freedoms/choices
Sighing/rolling eyes: Outer show of disrespect, contempt and/or frustration, listening is over

(Thanks Joe!)

NVC: Chapters 5

Tue, 24 Aug 2010 17:02:00 -0400

“What others do may be the stimulus to our feelings but not the cause.”

the four options for recieving negative messages:

1. Blame ourselves.

2. Blame others.

3. Sense our own feelings and needs.

4. Sense the feelings and needs of others.

In my journey from co-dependence I find myself switching 3 and 4. I can see how that can be a huge detriment in getting my needs met, and communicating the importance of my needs to others.

Great connecting phrases that have not been part of my vocabulary:

“I feel this way… because I am needing this…”

We are currently in Chapter 4: "Identifying & Expressing Feelings"

Sat, 26 Jun 2010 18:26:00 -0400

Of NVC & Chapter 5 of The Anger Workbook “Myths That Perpetuate Anger”.

While going through two books at once has seemed excruciatingly slow to me, the two books have complimented one another in amazing ways. And the most important thing is we are seeing results in the lives of the families involved. (Glad I am not in charge.)

One of things I am observing is that each person expresses and deals with anger differently. For me I had learned to internalize my anger which often comes out as depression and lack of functionality. While others externalize their anger and often end up hurting others.

Learning to understand and accept our feelings is the first step to understanding and accepting the feelings of others.

One of the ways one of our guys is connecting with his and other’s emotions is by breaking the trigger of conflict with a hug. This is amazing work from a person who used be obsessive and self absorbed. It is pretty much like a miracle.

Bushido!

Photo

Thu, 25 Mar 2010 22:08:09 -0400

"A hot tempered man must pay the penalty; if you rescue him, you will have to do it again."

Fri, 19 Mar 2010 16:29:09 -0400

“A hot tempered man must pay the penalty;
if you rescue him, you will have to do it again.”

- Proverbs 19:19

A stern warning of the futility of assisting those who choose to react with anger, until they truly experience consequences, they will not change.

Here is some video from Rick Goodfriend who coaches Non Violent...

Mon, 18 Jan 2010 20:51:00 -0500

Here is some video from Rick Goodfriend who coaches Non Violent Communications skills talking on giving sympathy, advice, and a stories. (My standard reaction, BTW.)

In refrence to:

The Ten Habits of Emotionally Intelligent People

1. Label their feelings, rather than labeling people or situations.
2. Distinguish between thoughts and feelings.
3. Take responsibility for their feelings.
4. Use their feelings to help them make decisions.
5. Show respect for other people’s feelings.
6. Feel energized, not angry.
7. Validate other people’s feelings.
8. Practice getting a positive value from their negative emotions.
9. Don’t advise, command, control, criticize, judge or lecture to others.
10. Avoid people who invalidate them, or don’t respect their feelings.

Photo

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 19:58:03 -0400

"Learning to express ourselves with honesty and clarity while paying others a respectful and empathic..."

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 20:19:21 -0400

““Learning to express ourselves with honesty and clarity while paying others a respectful and empathic attention””

- Marshal Rosenburg describing NVC

Update:

Sat, 17 Oct 2009 00:45:35 -0400

I couple guys couldn’t be with use but newcomers filled that gap, I really encourage those of you who miss the Tuesday night classes to follow along online so you are up to speed, when you do attend. (Posting questions or comments on this blog is encouraged.)

We reviewed the worksheets (see posts below) and this weeks assignment is to read Chapter 1 of the book Non- Violent Communication” by Marshall Rosenberg (online) next week we will review that chapter, and continue on with the first chapter of The Anger Workbook by Les Carter & Frank Minirth.

My co-facilitator and I are wanting a good balance of flexibility and structure, and are finding that The Anger Workbook is very helpful in identifying behaviors that we want to change, and the NVC book gives us the tools, or language to help us make those changes. I am quite happy how that is working out. My concern was that going through two books at the same time would be confusing.

Lesson 1: Questions & Discussion

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 03:20:26 -0400

Lesson 1: Questions & Discussion:

.PDF handout of What we will be going over next week.

Lesson 1: The Four Componants and the Two Parts.

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 03:19:00 -0400

Lesson 1: The Four Componants and the Two Parts.:

.PDF hand out from last week

(via ache:thejoanne)

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 21:22:24 -0400

(via ache:thejoanne)

NONVIOLENT COMMUNICATION: A LANGUAGE OF LIFE is now available as...

Sat, 03 Oct 2009 16:20:00 -0400

NONVIOLENT COMMUNICATION: A LANGUAGE OF LIFE is now available as a Googlebook. (It appears that about 150 pages of the 185 page book is available online at no cost.)

Community Is The Crucible For Learning

Thu, 10 Sep 2009 17:50:30 -0400

What I value in this statement is the idea that sometimes in human interaction discomfort and even pain can be part of the process for growth.

Local NVC Class Boise, Idaho (Christian)

Thu, 10 Sep 2009 17:35:00 -0400

How can you manage your anger by learning better communication?

- Learning to become aware of others needs and your own equally.
- Learning to ask to have those needs met directly rather than demanding or waiting.
- Learning to become aware of what your needs and feelings are.
- Learning to listen to the needs and feelings of others and respond, without reacting.

These awareness skills can be of great benefit in all relationships from partnering, parenting, church, and business relationships, including your relationship with your Creator.

The Anger Management Through Non-Violent Communication Class creates a community which is “God’s Crucible for Learning”. Therefore this is a group where we learn together and gain support while we do it. This material is like learning a second language. Expect to be seriously challenged to think differently.

16 weeks, book “Non-Violent Communication: A Language Of Life” By Marshall Rosenberg required. (E-Book available free online)

class time may look like this:

- Class start/Refocus
- Check in with group/share
- Read lesson materials/worksheet and or video
- Review, including role playing
- Close

Those who complete the course can expect to have life long communication skills that will provide peace, unity, and further persuit of truth as tools for living.

Class times: tuesday nights 7:00pm - 9:00pm
Start Date: September 22nd
Location: Boise Vineyard Fellowship conference room 4950 N Bradley // Boise, Idaho 83714
more info contact: Dean Cartwright (850-9914) or cartwrightdean AT gmail.com or esaukessler AT hotmail.com
(click here to view and or print .pdf “Trellis” with details)

Slow Down...Slow Down More.

Thu, 10 Sep 2009 17:18:52 -0400

I am really enjoying this phrase. It is helping me to enjoy my time.