Seeking Freedom from Co-Dependency?
Co-dependency is a dysfunctional coping skill for adults to get their needs met. Many anger problems are the result of a lack of self assertion. I have found the following to be life changing.
Relational “Bill Of Rights” or “Declaration of Interdependence”
I have the right to:
• Feel respected as a person.
• To be appreciated and not taken for granted.
• Effective communication with others.
• To have my privacy respected and to have boundaries.
• To not be one upped or one downed.
• Feel good about myself and my relationships.
• To expect trust validation and support from those who are my friends.
• To grow within and outside of relationships.
• To my own separate opinions, thoughts, feelings, and choices.
• To choose to stay or leave any relationship.
If these concepts are part of your core constitution, manipulators cannot use FOG (Fear, Obligation, or Guilt) to get their needs met with you. Niether will you use FOG on other’s as you will do to them as you wish them to do to you.
I also like the ideas expressed in the following behaviors that I think result from a healthy sense of relational rights.
The Ten Habits of Emotionally Intelligent People
1. Label their feelings, rather than labeling people or situations.
2. Distinguish between thoughts and feelings.
3. Take responsibility for their feelings.
4. Use their feelings to help them make decisions. (gasp!)
5. Show respect for other people’s feelings.
6. Feel energized, not angry.
7. Validate other people’s feelings.
8. Practice getting a positive value from their negative emotions.
9. Don’t advise, command, control, criticize, judge or lecture to others.
10. Avoid people who invalidate them, or don’t respect their feelings.
While this is elementary to some, those of us who were damaged or neglected as children often missed these lessons or have yet to learn them.
(These are kluged together from several books one of which I found particularly helpful is the classic “Breaking Free Of The Co Dependency Trap” By Barry & Janae Weinhold. The notion that you can be healed, restored, and recovered from co-dependant behaviors is a message often missed in recovery publications.)
