Anger Management Class Has ended
After a year this 16 week class finally came to an end.
NVC contributes considerrable tools for learning empathy and getting one’s needs met.
I highly recommend this book for anyone in an at risk environment. Including recovery, new marriage, child welfare, counseling etc.
In following up with several of the participants, they maintain that class afforded them significant and lasting life skills.
This biggest lesson from the material for me, (next to exercising NVC techniques), was learning not to respond to people with lecturing, story telling, or sympathy. All which masquerade as empathy, but actually block or eclipse the feelings being expressed. But truly hearing people out, reflecting back, and offering empathy.
The key to this however, is to not lose your own needs and feelings, in the process. (Watch the video)
In Review
Our tuesdaynight men’s class is coming up on the last two chapters having completed 9, 10, and 11 over the last few weeks.
There has been much discussion about the way Mr.Rosenberg gives examples and uses NVC. The examples often seem a little vague, and sometimes leave more questions than answers. We have attributed this to writing style, while I like to think it is purposeful mischievousness to leave us hanging. Some seem to focus on these minor issues as they have a hard to processing information that is so contrary to their learned behaviors.
One of our members shared lastnight that he observed himself initially responding to his child in a punitive manor after finding out some disappointing news about the child’s scholastic performance, but by was able to self monitor, and respond in a supportive and empathetic manor. He felt empowered by this and directly attributed the classwork to this great success.
Seeking Freedom from Co-Dependency?
Co-dependency is a dysfunctional coping skill for adults to get their needs met. Many anger problems are the result of a lack of self assertion. I have found the following to be life changing.
Relational “Bill Of Rights” or “Declaration of Interdependence”
I have the right to:
• Feel respected as a person.
• To be appreciated and not taken for granted.
• Effective communication with others.
• To have my privacy respected and to have boundaries.
• To not be one upped or one downed.
• Feel good about myself and my relationships.
• To expect trust validation and support from those who are my friends.
• To grow within and outside of relationships.
• To my own separate opinions, thoughts, feelings, and choices.
• To choose to stay or leave any relationship.
If these concepts are part of your core constitution, manipulators cannot use FOG (Fear, Obligation, or Guilt) to get their needs met with you. Niether will you use FOG on other’s as you will do to them as you wish them to do to you.
I also like the ideas expressed in the following behaviors that I think result from a healthy sense of relational rights.
The Ten Habits of Emotionally Intelligent People
1. Label their feelings, rather than labeling people or situations.
2. Distinguish between thoughts and feelings.
3. Take responsibility for their feelings.
4. Use their feelings to help them make decisions. (gasp!)
5. Show respect for other people’s feelings.
6. Feel energized, not angry.
7. Validate other people’s feelings.
8. Practice getting a positive value from their negative emotions.
9. Don’t advise, command, control, criticize, judge or lecture to others.
10. Avoid people who invalidate them, or don’t respect their feelings.
While this is elementary to some, those of us who were damaged or neglected as children often missed these lessons or have yet to learn them.
(These are kluged together from several books one of which I found particularly helpful is the classic “Breaking Free Of The Co Dependency Trap” By Barry & Janae Weinhold. The notion that you can be healed, restored, and recovered from co-dependant behaviors is a message often missed in recovery publications.)
- Road Rage: Yelling, swerving, using a vehicle as a weapon
- Bullying: Treating other people like they are worthlessThrowing/
- Breaking things: Taking out your frustration (or revenge?) on yours or other people’s property
- Sarcasm and Teasing: Showing people (in a humorous way?) how stupid or ridiculous you think they are
- Pouting: Feeling sorry for yourself, not cooperating just to get your way, creating guilt tripsSlamming doors/ Stomping feet
- Criticizing others: To hell with being politically correct, power tripSaying, “You’re right” but not meaning it: Seething, gets you out of a situation you are uncomfortable with/shuts them up fast
- Condescension: You feel superior to everyone else and tell them about it in a nasty or sarcastic way
- Interrupting: Your opinion counts the most; a form of bullying
- Lying: Sneaky revenge, making up/spreading rumors, making promises you never intend to keep
- Emotional abuse: Continually putting the same person down/ controlling/ threatening them repeatedly
- Domestic abuse: Continual physical and/or mental cruelty toward those you live with
- Yelling: Creating fear and/or submission through threatening volume
- Body tension: Squeezing fists, clenching jaws, flexing muscles, turning red, stress
- Withholding affection: You’ll show them who’s in control, lack of forgiveness, revengeStarting arguments/fights just “for fun”: Getting a “high” or a “rush” at the expense of others
- Moral superiority: Believing you “have a right” to be outraged and are justified in your destructive actions
- Showing off: Being the “tough guy” to impress others
- Grumpiness/moodiness: No awareness or concern about how you are coming across to others
- Plotting revenge: Planning elaborate schemes to get back at your enemiesNo forgiveness or forgetting: Hanging onto the hurts of the past
- Masochism/Sadism: Addiction to hurting others and/or being hurt
- Martyrdom: Enjoying making others feel guilty by playing the victim, way to get attention/sympathy
- Low self-esteem: Hate yourself because you are stupid, worthless, ugly, lazy… a doormat
- Stubbornness: Refusing to acknowledge being wrong or let others have their way
- Glaring: You can’t hide your disdain for others, keeps people at a distance
- Swearing/name-calling: Signal that the gloves have come off
- Threatening others with harm: Physical, mental, financial, property, loss of freedoms/choices
- Sighing/rolling eyes: Outer show of disrespect, contempt and/or frustration, listening is over
(Thanks Joe!)
NVC: Chapters 5
“What others do may be the stimulus to our feelings but not the cause.”
the four options for recieving negative messages:
1. Blame ourselves.
2. Blame others.
3. Sense our own feelings and needs.
4. Sense the feelings and needs of others.
In my journey from co-dependence I find myself switching 3 and 4. I can see how that can be a huge detriment in getting my needs met, and communicating the importance of my needs to others.
Great connecting phrases that have not been part of my vocabulary:
“I feel this way… because I am needing this…”
We are currently in Chapter 4: “Identifying & Expressing Feelings”
Of NVC & Chapter 5 of The Anger Workbook “Myths That Perpetuate Anger”.
While going through two books at once has seemed excruciatingly slow to me, the two books have complimented one another in amazing ways. And the most important thing is we are seeing results in the lives of the families involved. (Glad I am not in charge.)
One of things I am observing is that each person expresses and deals with anger differently. For me I had learned to internalize my anger which often comes out as depression and lack of functionality. While others externalize their anger and often end up hurting others.
Learning to understand and accept our feelings is the first step to understanding and accepting the feelings of others.
One of the ways one of our guys is connecting with his and other’s emotions is by breaking the trigger of conflict with a hug. This is amazing work from a person who used be obsessive and self absorbed. It is pretty much like a miracle.
Bushido!
